The sunlight glinted off the pavement, the prison guards patrolling the above walkways, the dust and the sun casting waves of heat, I’m standing there waiting a fan in my gloved right hand, an old hudson behind me as more men come out a sign in my left hand that said C.A.Floyd, I knew your wife though we weren’t close and i knew someone should be here on the day you tasted freedom.

With hands and ankles still in chains they give me my old stuff back, my suit dirty and way too big for me now, they unchain me finally, the freedom of movement as I change back out of the worn out strips into the dark blue suit I loved so much. Giving me a comb and some simple devices I use to clean myself up, after all I ain’t ever going to be in this joint again, never. turning around as they open one of the doors for me, I enter the hall one more time, this time with no number tag on me nor any chains, I hear hoots and hollers of “pretty boy looki’n damn good, or where he goi’n to his death, and another I  hear loud as a train” You’ll always be one of us Chock” Yells Adam….Rot in hell I think to myself” the guards yell at them inside the halls threatening with those damn billy clubs… I swear on my mama’s grave, never again…

“Well how would you feel about some food then I can tell you straight” I say keeping my eyes on the road, hands clenching and unclutching the wheel trying to keep my breathing even to keep the car steady on the broken up road ” I figure you need a job and a place to say, your wife…” I stopped before I blurted what I really thought about her, keeping my thoughts together, I couldn’t get attached this had to remain business I reminded myself whatever feelings I had in the past had to stay in the past I mumbled quietly under my breathe swearing as I had to swerve hard to avoid a rabbit that bounced infront of the car, causing it to hit a pot hole and die in a hissing stuttering steam “oh…sugar sugar sugar” I hiss smacking the stearing wheel, smacking the dashboard as well as if to ease the frustration of a having been sold a used car that clearly had seen better days.

  Smiling at the mention of anything but slop or what they call food ” I sure wouldn’t mind”, watching you as you drive fixated on the bump ol’ road I notice how your tense, looking down at my callused hands I keep quiet, cause I don’t want to say anything since you are the one sav’n me from a long walk home or a long bus ride and then a walk…where ever that is, as I stare out the window. Your sentences dropped out of the air like cold snow, I know what you’s was going to say about her and responded with a ” I know it ain’t right, but I couldn’t not do it”, I say still starring out the window, it ain’t ever gonna be the same so I might as well get use to not talk’n bout it, I gotta let them go..somehow… With a sudden jolt the car comes to a rolling stop, with steam and water just spurring everywhere and you swearing your little heart out, smiling I grab my jacket, head to the trunk, seeing some old tools clearly stashed by the previous owners in there I smile, being taught the inside of engines was the only good thing they did for me in that hell hole. as you start swearing and kicking at the fender and running board  looking worried as the heat of the day rises above and consumes us, I watch a bead of sweat trail down your throat and shake my head quickly to clear it from those thoughts, I tell you to not loose an eyelash, I just gotta attach a connection tube. 

I let out a sigh of relief walking over to watch watching you intently, wincing as your hand got nicked ”Charley..I’m sorry I bad mouthed your wife, she must mean lots to you” I say quietly, as the heat comes back up in waves a police car patrolling the highway in case of runaways, praying this won’t get in the way of my main plan, “you sure its that easy”…I know she divorced you in a letter, and I know you probably don’t remember me after all, it was more than five years ago, and the back of a barn that was having a dance, I knew you were a rover, there’s something wild in you even just being around you again made something in me rise up like a storm…but I had to stick to my plan if I was to get away from Him..

Smiling up at you as I  say quickly retighten the gasket lid “yes we lost some liquid but we should be able to re fill that no problem within the next hour or so” smiling as I fix it all and look at the few cuts and nicks on my hands, cussing quietly to myself using that handkerchief “she should be done in a jiffy”, wincing as I got some oil into the cut.  Bending down to make sure that’s all that came loose, I hear a car approaching.  looking over the mirror I see the police car come cruising up, great I think just what I need to get put back again, the officer nods at us and keeps driving letting a breath of relief, feeling so thankful I wasn’t given the grey to big prison suit that I still had my own clothing.. I watch them go by praying they keep going and dont make anything harder for me, and especially for you… Quickly I look back at you and smile, “there she’ll run, and don’t you worry… Ruby ( the words catches in my throat then I spit it out)  is better off without me interfering in her perfect life”  I say with a sour taste in my mouth ” I did ..love her…but i was foolish and young, then…” as I wipe the sweat off my brow as you get back into the car. As she starts off, we keep going down the road, the breeze feeling nice, the road just passing us by forever traveling on wards.

I had to share, it’s to good not too, I’ve read the first three teaser pages one can find online. It’s also started to get my creative juices flowing, I’ve often had a criminal story floating around in my head, a few snipets here and there have made their way into the light of day. Maybe some day soon more will

and we’re back and by we I mean E and I, we’re back on the same page, I find we often get off track in our relationship when he’s going through his “womanly” time of the month, because 0f emotions and hormones and blah blah blah, and then I don’t really know what to do so I stop talking because there’s not much point and yeah, we really need to work on that,  and by WE and I mean WE.

Today we put in the dock, YAY cold water. not. being Canadian sucks, especially with the whole cold water thing, yes it’s true that we’re used to cooler temperatures, but we aren’t polar bears, we leave that for the Russians , so we had a party on Friday and it was fun! We, R, B, E and I gorged ourselves on pizza, cookies, cupcakes and more cookies, we talked about all sorts of random stuff, and apparently R is also involved or at least knowledgeable in the scene, and no one got drunk or even drank for that matter it was so nice to be able to just have fun with a group of people without the constant need of alcohol. It’s not that I disagree with alcohol or am a tea pusher, it’s just I don’t like how it’s become all consuming in society.

I started another painting which I’m dragging my feet with even though June will be here soon and it needs to be done by the eighth, for a charity auction for the hospital which is pretty cool because it’s 100 plus more people who are seeing my art vs the people at Mum’s office. It’s a still life which is unusual for me because often times I go by my imagination or creation of landscapes either based upon literature, or historical fantasies I have floating around in my head, speaking of historical fantasies, I have a favorite book I have to share just because it’s amazing, it’s called Mimus and it’s a german fairy tale translated into english and it’s really really really really good, I’ve also started to re-read the midwife of Venice, plus I have a fictional biography of Pretty Boy Floyd, and I’ve started Some came running.

Speaking of Pretty Boy Floyd, I’ve noticed I seem to have a certain sexual attraction for criminals in the 1920′s and 1930′s, I don’t know if it’s the historical hype, the whole outlaw bad boy robin esque thing, because Baby faced Nelson was apparently just bugsy, but there’s just something about these men that strikes a fire inside me, this edge of danger, like Bonny and Clyde, feverish passion with tommy guns rattling in the background. Or it’s just because they are rather handsome men, and they actually looks like real men, not that there’s anything wrong with androgyny but a girl needs a real man now and then who doesn’t spend as much time in the bathroom as she does (M.)

Anyway, I’m probably going to end up writing some form of smut story about him, because I can’t seem to stop thinking about the Oakie, he’s even taking over my thoughts of Kennedy, which is a lot of thoughts, especially with the fact that Kennedy had an artist mistress for at least four to five years, makes a woman feel good, more like spins the yarns of fantasy and imagination, especially with how big the oval office desk is and how easy it would be with the right angle to hide under there and service Mr. President

what can I say, the man looks good, especially when he smiles and those lips…mmmmmmm yummy, wouldn’t they have been fun to kiss? It’s not that I’m not getting my needs fulfilled by E, it’s just I often enjoy looking at other men, and because most men, my own age group either look funny (waxed chests. that’s all there is to it), or their brains are in the biceps, OR their pants are so low, their trolling for jail bait, seriously that’s what it means, boys pull up your pants no one cares about your underwear. A girl needs a little fantasy about a big strong strapping men, who still look like men.

and E, even though I love him dearly and would never DREAM of leaving him for anyone, I sometimes need to fantasize about a real male, even though he is getting there, it’ll be a long road, and though it’ll be well worth it, sometimes I feel as if neither of our needs are getting met because of the lacking of body parts, like it isn’t the end all be all, but sometimes it would be nice or at least helpful, though he is getting much better at telling me his needs and allowing me to fulfill them, which in term makes me feel useful and needed and allows my needs to be fulfilled, and I would REALLY love a role play scene with a certain red-haired president, but that’s for my own personal internal vault at the moment.

Hi

So today E went in for his consultation about his surgery for a double mastectomy, and it’s going to be expensive but if it’s what he needs it’s what he needs.  Friday night we watched Secretary again, and re-organized our toy box, for play things, we have everything all nifty and labeled now so we can find it instead of furrowing around for it in our giant trunk, well it’s not really giant, more like medium sized trunk, but either way, no more fumbling around

I can’t seem to open up, I have so much I want to say, how I’m feeling on the inside and I can’t do it anymore, it’s like there’s a wall there and whenever I try, it’s as if I’m just talking to myself, E tried to be more firm and steady, but it took him a long time to get with the program, am I being to selfish? I know he’s going through a lot transitioning and I am the one that’s more interested in Kink than he is, but I have needs too, and I just want to love him and pamper him, and have him do all these naughty little things to me, and for me to enjoy it and do it because he said so, but..he doesn’t even want that, and yes my physical needs are being met, but I still feel as if I’m behind a wall emotionally and mentally that I can’t break it down because I know it’s just going to be silence and indifference and then he gets angry at himself and his own emotions and then I have to cheer him up because then he starts spiraling downwards and i just feel so small on the inside, that i’m alone in the dark waiting for someone to turn my nightlight on to scare away the boogey man. I feel insecure and unfulfilled mentally and emotionally because every time I try and show my inner self, it just collapses, he doesn’t want it or he’s not ready for it, or he’s not comfortable with his own needs to fulfill mine, but mine aren’t that extreme I just want to please him. I want to lick his boots to sh0w him how much I love him, I want to make his breakfast, make his coffee, and I do that, but it’s just me doing it, there’s nothing there, and i’m worried that maybe i’m fixating to much on this and that we do have a normal fulfilling relationship, but mentally, i feel indifferent, i don’t care to try anymore because every time i show my submission, my gift, my very need of what i need of him, nothing happens and i’m so heavy on the inside of just waiting and sitting and waiting for the time to be right, i try and i try and i try and i try to improve myself, but nothing ever gets done, a relationship is supposed to be two people with open communication, and he can’t be open with me and every thing always somehow ends up being his fault, and then when he words it, is always somehow translated into my fault for not doing something or not doing enough, or just not being enough, and i’m just so exhausted of trying and supporting the two of us, even my body is starting to physically hurt, i can’t do this anymore, it’s either all or nothing, and right now as it’s been, it’s nothing and it’s always been nothing, we’ve accomplished nothing, he says he’ll try and he does for maybe one evening when i’m overly emotional and that’s the only way he can calm me down because he knows it’s what i need from him, but then he forgets it and it slips away and we’re back to where we start, we have the books, the toys, i’ve been open and frank, but i can’t do it just me, i need my partner. he..just doesn’t get it and i’m so tired of being alone when i’m supposed to be with a partner who holds me up and i him.

Yay! we did our lists of what are our limits today! I mean we’ve always had a rough idea but now we can move on from just spanking and flogging, NOT that there is anything wrong with spanking or flogging, both are equally as yum.

Today I also half finished a painting, and yesterday Mum bought me another canvas to start a commission piece as well as some new high end paint, both oil and acrylic, I feel spoiled bwahaha. Today E and I also did a nice heavy spanking with a little bit of fingering and ZOMG my period is back to normal! I was worried because for the last two days it’s been super light, like only panty liner light, I know I know TMI. But now I’m kinda regretting what I wished for because my tummy hurts and I’m crampy and achey and just over-all blech feeling, but thankfully it should be over in the next few days or so. I hope.

This weekend I’m also getting a new haircut AND dying my hair a nice chocolate brown, I’m so excited! mostly for the dying of my hair, the haircut is long overdue, last time I tried to dye my hair it was to bleach black out of it and re-dye it my manic panic red, which inevitably fried my hair, so now half of it is porous and straw like and a general ick, so I’m getting it chopped nice and short and pixie like for the summer, and dying it a nice chocolate brown over any of the left-over red and bleach combination.

E spoiled me this week, he bought me a new magic wand! and Unlike my old magic wand that died a tragic death on the windowsill from exploding, this one is blue and sparkly and has hearts and stars and little beads and it’s so pretty!! and I got to wear my new tiara and everything! though I also gave myself some lovely blisters so right now wearing any form of heels  is not happening. Mum also gave me a red pair of her heels that she doesn’t like wearing anymore AND I bought myself a new summer dress with big red poppies on it, and this Saturday Mum is going to see a play with some friends so maybe we get to play if my period is gone and maybe maybe maybe use some of those new toys, though it’s Thursday today and my period is heavy and in full swing so I highly doubt it *pout*.

Anyway other than that, everything has been uneventful, I got to top E for the first time and I didn’t crash! I didn’t feel overly powerful either, but I didn’t crash, in my head I was thinking how can I make him feel the best, instead of I’m doing this because I want to. So I guess even in a way I was still being my bottom-ish self, we also used hot candle wax, E loves doing that, I’m rather indifferent to the whole thing, but he loves it so I do it for him when we’re both in the right head space and I can “Top” without feeling guilty. Which I think may be able to happen more often, because I found a head space that was comfortable for me, it was yes I know I’m doing this to him, but I also know I’m pleasuring him at the same time, which because of his transgender-ism is a little more difficult to do than  with a normal man but still enjoyable, even if it does make me a bit of a pillow queen a times , and even though I do identify as being bisexual, I don’t like oral on women, either giving or receiving, it’s just a personal squick I have.

And I love my Daddy very very very very much, but I don’t know how to please him the way he likes, and when I do I feel as if I emasculate him, in my own mind and physically, a lot of it is still because he does have a woman’s voice still even though it is rather deep for a woman’s and he still is well endowed in the chest, which sometimes ruins the mental image I have. That’s the other thing, I have this mental image of him that’s completely different from reality, even though I’m sitting right beside him I always see him as how he wants to be seen vs how he is now. Without breasts a squarer jaw than what he has, larger hands, correct anatomy that type of thing, it’s what I always see in my mind’s eye, and because he portrays that so well using a binder and his packer, sometimes it’s hard to connect physical reality with my mental reality which often causes this jarring effect once he removes his binder and packer for the night, though a lot of times I prefer it when he doesn’t remove the packer because it makes me giddy feeling the weight of it pressed against me even if it is just a piece of pierced silicone. I know I don’t want anyone else in my life, I just feel overwhelmed sometimes that I can’t please him back, because then I feel as if I’m turning him into the woman that his body still is, especially because I know he himself also enjoys penetration, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but the fact he still has lady bits kinda bothers me a lot and sometimes I’m worried that I’m not as attracted to him physically as I should be, but I know no one else turns me on the same way he does and can touch me and love me and hold me like he does, it’s just..I hate to say this but I can appreciate a woman’s body as well as any other person, but sexually speaking, I think I prefer men, at least at this point of my life.

P.S

Daddy says I’m not allowed to stick googlie eyes on my vajayjay *pout* LOL because seriously who does that?

okay!! so today we got new toys and we would post pictures but technology decided to be inept so :p

so we got a new flogger *squeal* my favorite to use and to be used on, besides E’s belt , we also got a phallus gag, but one that’s shaped like a pacifier, as well as we’re going to be trying a small thing of silicone lubrication, PLUS all the other new toys E bought before I came home that we have yet to play with because it’s only been day two and of course I had to get the women’s monthly curse *pout* so I get to flog him either tonight or wednesday :3

I’m back home!! bwahahah!!!!

Okay, a quick update about my trip, I learned how to surf (badly), I burnt my bottom, I made cookies three times, I met the most awesomenest couple ever (M&C) and their granddaughter O, and I went kayaking, I went boogie boarding, and I almost got stung by a man of war. I scraped my chin, I found E a hula girl like I promised, I also got new earings and a new perpective on things, as well as I delt with my feelings of betrayal as far as A’s leaving goes.  The drive home was un-eventful, I will admit when we were going through the carolinas and Georgia I was a bit immature at the southern accents, I being a northerner, they sound funny

E and I are going to start putting what we want to do on paper into real life practice, though it’s going to be a little harder than I thought, because doing it on paper is all fine and dandy, but being in RL, it’s a little harder. Especially when the mind says no I don’t wanna, even though your body is like do it do it do it. Mostly I have those thoughts because I find it hard to bring myself down into sub space, especially when I can sense E’s emotions, and I will admit, I’m a bossy, bratty bitch at times and when he’s feeling low and not in his complete manly self, I kinda take over and be all like no we’re doing it my way because I said so. That and three months of no sexy time makes it a little harder to get back into the swing of things, especially if he expects me to listen, and half of me is saying that to be bratty and the other half is truthful, my sex button is more of a faulty switch with a short in the circut. Once it’s been turned off it takes awhile for it to get working and working properly again. Also, being back home makes the settings a little harder, because our rooms are very much different from the space I go to in my head, and I find it really hard to focus on the space in my head as well as trying to breathe deeply and to focus on the sensations, especially the breathe deeply part, I often find I lose it when I’m focusing on breathing deeply and trying to do the tantric breathing we learned in our workshop last winter.

 It’s a bit between distracting and just annoiying, plus what also kills it is we live at home, and it’s always akward because Mum is gone from a certain time to a certain time, home for an hour, then till mid afternoon, so it’s not as if we can have the evenings to ourselves. And in the afternoon there’s housework, and job hunting and commission painting in my case, so sex often gets put on the back burner, plus I can still sense that he gets insecure about himself,  whether it’s body or mind or just in general things not matching up and it kinda kills it for me, because I know he’s trying and he’s trying really hard, but something it’s just a *groan* what are you doing, and he doesn’t have the confidence to say ” what I want now be quiet” type of thing. That’s what I’d really like out of him, is for him to keep his confidence level at a steady so I can let go of everything I hold on, worrying about him, both of our emotional states, how I react what I say and do so I don’t trigger anything, his emotional state incase he’s going through a dismorphic moment, and sometimes it really does get overwhelming, especially when I can feel he isn’t into it and is just doing it for my sake, it’s just a big bundle of emotional crap.

On a lighter note though, next saturday I’m going to get my hair cut, and I was thinking something along the lines of Audrey Hepburn when she had short hair, that classy look that can also be funk with the right hair accessories, Mum is going to a play, and E and I might be going out for dinner with friends on Wednesday, I also did a tarot card reading today that was quickly cut short because of an need for cuddles and re-assuring, but from what I got, E and I are doing alright and are on the right path with everything we just need to keep an open mind and the ability for a conversation, no matter what.  

So, being by myself for the past two months has led to some deep introspection, especially about my submission and E. There is no bad news here, so anyone gnawing their nails in nerves. relax

Firstly, I began thinking about my personal submission, the reasons why I can’t let go, such as worrying about him, and about me and trying to control everything to make it work better realizing I was just making it worse or more tense with my internal dialogue. And I don’t want to do that anymore, so I began to listen to my subspace, it’s this place I go to in my head when I’ve had enough with the outside world, it’s usually a room, old victorian style with dark green walls with black floral print on the walls, and gas lamps with a roaring fire place, and a dark over stuffed green chair with lions heads carved on the feet with claws, and a crushed red chaise lounge with a big window overlooking a dark cemetery, and my place is at E’s big green chair. Well, lately I’ve been meditating in this place, and I find myself seeing my inner self differently. And ever since I’ve accepted and entered this world about three weeks ago, I’ve been calm, I’ve been able to tolerate most things, and I’ve been able to open up to E about things I always kept to myself.

Secondly, through this meditation I’ve been doing in my sub space, I’ve been finding I have a need for a collar, and not just any collar but something special, and last night E and I agreed on the perfect one, it’s a dog collar yes, but it’s just perfect and the right size for my tiny little neck (13 1/2 inches), made of treated leather with beautiful onyx stones and celtic knots. That’s the thing, for the longest time I haven’t been true to myself, to my feelings of mysticism and fantasies about history and gods and this imaginary world I keep locked inside my head that I really need to let out. I hide it for fear of being made fun of, especially by those who are close to me, or that my belief in certain mystic and occultist things will be mocked and kicked around in the mud. It’s also why I’m shaving my head next weekend, a rejuvenation of mind and soul, E is going to be giving me either a solid flogging or spanking, while we gather ourselves and just let it go, let everything go, that A betrayed us, that I’ve been gone from him for so long, that our lives are becoming our own.

And Thirdly, E is going to be progressing further with his transitioning this summer,  He will legally be changing his name, so excited! and He’s also called a SRS surgeon to book a consultation to see what he has to have done and how much is coming out of pocket, for the double mastectomy surgery, and he’s just doing swimmingly, he’s accepting his role as Dominant, and I’m even going to try topping a scene with his loving instruction, even though it won’t really be topping because he’ll be telling me what to do the whole time, and the best part is I feel internally that both of us have opened up to this deeper part of ourselves and able to draw something from it, from the intense online scenes we’ve been having while I’ve been gone, we’ve even started position training and I find myself slipping into nadu position without even thinking about it, and that I think if both of us just let go of outside forces, even though it is hard to do, especially in this community where it feels like everyone is telling you how to do something specific only to say but it’s up to you, I think we’ll be able to achieve what we want and how we want just by listening to each other and drawing strength and truth without assumption and compromise

Yay I get a computer again while my Grandparents play cards…again.

E and I have been talking, and we’re ready this time, really ready to start making our own play space, our own little version of this lifestyle and boy oh boy did I get spoiled rotten. My Daddy bought me pierceless jewlery, a supposedly beautiful wooden toy *giggles* clamps with bells and a jeweled plug*squeals*  E and I have been writting scenes back and forth for each other, I posted the first little bit under “for my E”, it’s what we’ve created in our heads since we’re so far away from each other, and haven’t had any play time since December and with the stress of christmas and losing Tiny and packing up, it wasn’t really much a play time. And E has agreed to help me bring out my little, even though I think I’m repeating that again, it’s worth saying it over and over and over and over. I love him, so much I’m so glad I have him in my life, I think about him and smile, I think about his jokes and I laugh, I think about his belt and boots and I fall right back into lust with him.

We had this scene, that I really enjoyed back in the day, something we started around october, it was a similar situation to the Story of O, except I was the misbehaving daughter of a rich family who was brought here to learn proper etiquette, think Marquis de Sade Education in the boudoir, or something like that I can’t remember the title exactly, but it was a mix of those two, and Ooooohhhh nmmmmm was it fun, we only did it once because after that everything went downhill school wise and friend wise and animal wise and life just got to busy, but we’ve also started this other scene via email, think Addams family, only it’s Master E and I, I’ve also included in this story some of our friends and their relationships, anyway, and the setting is either in his study or in the main lounge area, and it’s just mmmhmmmm it gives me the warm fuzzies. And it’s also given us both an insight into what the other likes and fantasizes about without worrying about the earth shattering feeling of confessing something the partner might get squicked out about, because neither of us have set any limits, minus what both of us agree is morally vulgar, such as harming others or children. And we’ve just been wanting to experience everything and decide from there, that whole try it at least once attitude, and so far it’s working very well and with E coming into his own after basically divorcing himself from his mother, our play time even if it is via email at the moment is working out amazing, it’s how he got the idea for the bells, and the wooden toy and the jeweled plug, and he wants to start building up an arsenal of toys as well as to start position training, and to actually mold me into how he likes being pleasured. not to serve, but to bring him pleasure and happiness which in turn brings me pleasure and happiness, if he’s happy I’m happy, and then we make each other happy, it’s that simple.

So when I get back, we’re going to talk to my mom about possibly letting us repaint my bedroom that we’re in currently, and if not then we should at least get new curtains and re-decorate as best we can to suit our environment that we want for our play area, as A is moving out and going back to her parents place which is a stupid idea but whatever. So we’ll have the small living room we created upstairs, as well as our bedroom, But there’s a problem and that is that mom’s room is from my bedroom only a door down, and the green room, she’s down the hallway, BUT it isn’t that long of a hallway, so I really hope Daddy finds a nice gag because I am loud, and we’ll have to find something small and portable to play music, as we’ve incorporated a lot of classical composeurs in our mental scenes, especially the more dramatic or dream like ones such as Brahms, or Tchaikovsky, and Mozart and of course Beethoven and Vivaldi.

We’re also when I get back going to be playing Roman and House slave *squeals* this is the first time I’ve gotten him into some form of role playing, both of us are history nerds so this will be exciting, and we have the Rome soundtrack, as well as a basic theme and knowledge of how romans treated their slaves and I’ve always always always wanted to try this. I also found as E and I are getting more and more closer that I’m able to express myself easier than before. My choice of clothing, hairstyle jewelery, and general attitude seems to be drifting toward the positive, minus today, but I’m PMSing. what can I say. But I’d also like to be a cat house worker from Storyville in New Orleans at the turn of the 1900′s and I KNOW he would like that, maybe for his birthday , I also have this insane need to try anal play, plugs, enemas, what have you because this may just be me, but there’s always this uncomfortable yet slightly pleasurable feeling I find when going to the bathroom, I also have this secret wish to try watersports in the shower, ONLY in the shower, more like curiosity, but he would need an STP. (stand to pee)

Plus, I’m a BIT of a SIZE queen, no puns intended, and I’m so excited for the new toy, E sais it’s really big and I’ve always wanted to try something wooden and he made sure it was oak, I love oak trees and oak wood, it’s so sturdy and yeah…and I also have wanted to try a willow switch..but we’ll work slowly on that, since we really haven’t played at all truly in a LONG time, I know I’m going to have to be built up again, but that’s more than half the fun, ESPECIALLY with the new toys and the new scene ideas and that we’re both sharing ideas now, and that we’re going to build up our space and it’ll be wonderful